July 8th, 2002

Still the rhythm goes.

“Everything will be all right, this wont hurt at all.”

I tend to feel more at comfortable in my skin than I used to, less uncomfortable with how my body looks. I can still feel ill at ease when I am not fully clothed around others (this only occurs in changing rooms and one other, one specific around whom I do tend to feel comfort). My body is not something I do not feel proud of, it still holds excess weight I would like to shed but do not know how (I have a physical job and now involve myself in sport and I refuse to diet on principal; eating should be a pleasure and any kind of diet feels as though it has been forced down my throat by so many images around me every day). It could be considered that I am on a self imposed diet, on weekdays I restrict myself to one meal a day. This is not because of any desire to lose weight but a cause of circumstance, I leave the house soon after I wake and tend to lack the money to buy lunch. It is in hot weather that I feel most self-conscious of my body, I dislike hot weather. While I do not drench my self with sweat my skin feels as though it is a minute away from that. When it gets too hot I often feel like I’m going to collapse (I never do but the feeling remains), my skin feels itchy and too tight and this is accompanied by headaches. So all in all I do not like hot weather.

“You wont catch this free bird, I’ll already be long gone.”

Last night I turned off the television (after watching a repeat of Six Feet Under on E4) and rolled over to sleep. Instead of sleep I found myself thinking of Nan. I do not dwell on her death a great amount and when I do think of it I can usually busy myself with something else (I do, after all, live in a world of distractions, of comics and books and film and worries) but it’s difficult to busy yourself when you are trying to sleep. I still haven’t let go of her. She was not a big part of my life, I saw her scarcely and for all practical purposes her absence has no effect on how I live but it doesn’t feel right. There is a her shaped hole in the middle of my world and I have no idea what I can fill it with.

“I sat with my love
I drank with my love
And my love, she gave me light.”

She is still in my life, she is still with me. It has been nearly 11 months now and things are still oh my god so good. This is something that pleases me.

“Sometimes nothing is all you have left and you don’t want to lose it.”