May 28th, 2002

Looking back

“Now tomorrow’s here today and yesterday’s today’s just fade away.”

A year ago I said one thing, today I say something else.
A year ago tomorrow I said:
“It doesn't matter how many people I surround myself with they can never help me get over me, nobody can.”
Tomorrow I shall probably say:
“It’s Buffy tomorrow.”
A year ago tomorrow I said:
“I really want to meet a friend after work and go to the pub to see if I can manage not to drink.”
Tomorrow I shall probably:
Pour myself a drink when I get home and raise the glass to flight as I have been doing for nearly a week now in honour of a very dear girl.
A year ago I said:
“It’s not her.”
Today I say:
“It is her.” but it is a very different her and in a very different way.

“A perfect stare from perfect eyes that kiss you as they tell you lies and wonder where your going, where you’ve been.”

My fist entry was now over a year ago on Monday the 14th of May, the anniversary of this passed without remark. I am not the same person I was then and I believe that I am better for it most of the time. It took some time for me to gather the friends I now have in this intangible place.
I met Samantha because someone advertised Where’s That Satan at the Neil Gaiman discussion Board. A charming girl whose name I cannot pronounce for at the tender age of 21 I still find myself unable to say ‘th’ as it should be said, in my mouth it remains as a ‘v’ or ‘f’. Misty found me through a woman who added about 100 friends to her list one night, we were both among the new additions. To this day I do not know how Ocean of Tears or Crystal found me(maybe I shall ask at some point) but I am forever thankful that they did. Whitewolf was someone I did not know very well but it still saddens me that her account has been deleted. Then there is Erin. Bramble, Kevina, Tim and Matt(chronological order) all came through her. I met Erin through coincidence. Carina Round left a comment here and I believed that a friend was messing with me so a google search was made and my lj came up on the eighth page, somewhere beneath Erin’s. I looked at her profile, yes she likes Carina Round but, to my amazement, she also likes Neil Gaiman, she also lives in Birmingham and from what I read she was a kind, interesting person, a view I hold to this day. There are others on my friends list but they are of little incident, this does not mean of little importance but all of them, bar one, are people I knew before I began chronicling my life here, the exception to that is Neil Gaiman which is a Neil Gaiman community. I do not know if I shall still be in this place in a years time, I can but hope and wish you all well.

“You know I care about you right? All of you? From those who lead a normal life to those who need professional help and regular sedation. You get that right?”

I return to finish writing this entry after working for a while and I find myself filled with a sense of inner peace and calm that I have not felt in some time, I know that this will not last forever but I shall enjoy it for now.

“Gods come and go, stars flicker and die but from here I can pretend.”

Thank you all for giving me, giving my life a feeling of validation that at times seems to be missing. Now I ask one thing of you, at some point during the days ahead raise a glass to flight. Drink to life and not settling.

“Those unforgettable days. For them I live.”
  • Current Mood
    relaxed relaxed