Lloyd, now in all new WORDS!!!

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:41:45 GMT

Cough Cough Hack Hack Splutter Splutter
Ow my head
What fun.

An evening with Mom and Denise:
I'll take Lloyd's faults for 500 points.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 21:48:33 GMT

Death Race:
Fast cars. Big guns. So pointless.

Tropic Thunder:
Entertaining but Satan's Alley looks better.

Getting home was bad
Two hours is too long for a
simple bus journey.

Post grading analysis (imagine your own appropriate Family Fortunes noise)

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 21:31:52 GMT

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:07:33 GMT

Karate grading today, oh yeah, been doing karate since February.
Hope to be a red belt by the end of the day.
Go Bear, be the yellow.

Belts:
White
Orange
Red
Yellow
Green
Purple
Purple/White
Brown
Brown/White
Brown/2 White
Black

Also Richard Herring is playing the Glee Club in October (11th I think).

Have a new job now.
(Thinks back to when last entry was)
Was working at Aston University, got made redundant last october.
In november I started work as a temp. As the science technician at Kings Norton High School, that ended with the start of the summer holiday.
I now have a real job (with a pension and sick pay and everything) as a (not the this time) science technician at Cockshut Hill Technology college. Also on the plus side I don't have to travel the length of the city to get to work anymore.

Oh, and I moved home in Febuary following a series of rather unpleasant events (such as coming home to find a corpse, what fun that was - context, it was my flat mate, it's not that someone just decide to use my home as an impromptu mortuary).

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 18:32:58 GMT

Richard Herring
March 17th
The Mac
What more need be said?
Oh yeah, anybody fancy going?

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 08:16:16 GMT

To begin with:

Lee and Herring.
You can see them back together again live at Tedstock from earlier this year.
Part One and Part Two.

And seeing as I'm doing it, what the hell:
Anti-Piracy, Film (The IT Crowd)
Anti-Piracy, Music (awkwardpictures)
John Otway
Meagan's Creepy Story (tokenblackchick)

This weekend is the Birmingham Real Ale Festival.

At Aston University Students Guild, Thursday to Saturday. I shall be there on Friday from about 4:30, if you enjoy beer, cider, pancakes or sausages then please come and join me. If you're not sure how to get there just ask.

Upcoming comedy:

Good things that are going on at The Glee Club, I'm hoping to see them all and it would be just wonderful if anyone cared to join me.

Wed 26 Sept RHOD GILBERT

Tue 09 Oct ANDY PARSONS

Wed 10 Oct TIM MINCHIN

Thu 11 Oct STEWART LEE

(Followed by the Birmingham Comic Con on the 13th and 14th, 12th as well if you include the Friday night party.)

Wed 14 Nov ADAM HILLS

Other Stuff

I was made redundant in July, I finish work on the 5th of October and I am currently looking for a job, but to be honest (with regaurds to this post) I'm more interested in the comedy.

For those who are interested

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 16:14:24 GMT

Tonight at 9pm on ITV1:
You Can Choose Your Friends
written by Richard Herring.

Also on the comedy front:
Go look at www.gofasterstripe.com and buy stuff.
It's a great idea and deserves to sucseed, besides, where else can you get Stewart Lee and Richard Herring DVD's and CD's (Robin Ince and Simon Munery coming soon)

That Mitchell and Webb Sound series 3 is currently airing on BBC radio 4, go hear it on listen again.

Now sod off and laugh at funny stuff.

Oh the smugness of it all

Wed, 02 May 2007 15:48:59 GMT

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 15:48:41 GMT

As I'm about to sod off for a long weekend I shall leave those of you who care with answers.

Movies:

1. Twelve Monkeys Altering history/Tooth extraction/Plague
2. Groundhog Day Time loop/Suicide/clock radio
3. Amilie Dream like/Postcard/France
4. Kung-Fu Hustle Martial arts/Spoof/Landlady
5. 10 Things I Hate About You Teen movie/Marching band/William Shakespeare
6. Death To Smoochy Kids show host/Crooked Charity/Rhinoceros
7. The Descent Stabbed in the neck/Claustrophobic setting/Female bonding
8. Princess Mononoke Enviromental/Giant animal/Asia
9. The Hudsucker Proxy Hula hoop/Business/Jump from window
10. Little Shop of HorrorsMusical/Dentist/Orphan

Television:

1. Spaced Comic book shop/Cult comedy/Pop culture
2. The Vice Prostitution/Police/London England
3. Cowboy Bebop Jazz/Bounty Hunter/Anime
4. Odyssey 5 Sci-Fi/Number in title/Space shuttle
5. Wonderfalls Inanimate object/Comedy/Drama
6. Family Guy Homicidal baby/Animal that acts human/Adult humour
7. That 70's Show Basement/Water tower/Retro
8. Daria Outsider/MTV/Character name in the title
9. Battlestar Galactica Space western/Theology/Soldier
10. Blackadder Goes Fourth War/Cunning plan/Historical

Well Paul did the best, managing to get 9 right in the end although I will love him forever for knowing The Maxx.
Lorna comes in a close second with her first guess netting her an impressive 8 for 8 but when the typo went away she made the popular mistake of saying Firefly which got her 8 for 9.
Pete was (metaphorically before you get any ideas, I know what you're like. Especially you Lloyd. Wait, I'm Lloyd. Oh, ok then I'm pointing accusingly at you Alison! I wouldn't want to know what kind of filthy high class things go on in your mind[well maybe I would but I'll never admit it!]) bringing up the rear, starting with a 100% success rate but soon dropping to a 75% but I must take my hat for with pride joy and because my office is bloody hot to a man who can name both Death to Smoochy and The Hudsucker Proxy.

Well as for tomorrow I hope that we all have (please ignore the the in the title and feel free to google if you don't know the film) A Stabbed In The Throat/Hung Upside Down/Irish Republican Army

Not usualy my thing but the words 'the hell' and 'what' come to mind

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 15:23:53 GMT

The Rules:

Go to IMDB.com and look up 10 TV shows/movies you like(d).
Post three official IMDB "Plot Keywords" for these 10 picks.
Have your friends guess the show names.

Movies:

1. Altering history/Tooth extraction/Plauge
2. Time loop/Suicide/clock radio
3. Dream like/Postcard/France
4. Martial arts/Spoof/Landlady
5. Teen movie/Marching band/William Shakespeare
6. Kids show host/Crooked Charity/Rhinoceros
7. Stabbed in the neck/Claustrophobic setting/Female bonding
8. Enviromental/Giant animal/Asia
9. Hula hoop/Business/Jump from window
10. Musical/Dentist/Orphan

Television:

1. Comic book shop/Cult comedy/Pop culture
2. Prostitution/Police/London England
3. Jazz/Bounty Hunter/Anime
4. Sci-Fi/Number in title/Space shuttle
5. Inanimate object/Comedy/Drama
6. Homicidal baby/Animal that acts human/Adult humour
7. Basement/Water tower/Retro
8. Outsider/MTV/Character name in the title
9. Space western/Theology/Soldier
10. War/Cunning plan/Historical

My mistake:
Television 9 now reads Space Weston rather than Pace weston as it was before.

Lloyd, now in all new WORDS!!! presents; Title stealing in all someone else's WORDS!!!

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 12:41:44 GMT

A list of things and stuff...and stuff and things to do by the end of the week:

Make a proper dessert, probably either a white chocolate torte or a raspberry sorbet.
Cut nails (no nails in particular, just some nails)
Lick a tree
DANCE!!! (I just got a dance mat for my PS2)
Get tickets to see Richard Herring on saturday off of Alison (Ha! I stole you're title and I wasn't even discrete about it)
Have at least one drink
Think of more stuff for 'Jesus Christ walked into a bar...' (In which Jesus and Satan converse over drinks)
See mom (she was in Spain, now she's not)
Catch the pigeon
Go home
Watch the final episode of season 2 of The Wire
Steal someone's prosthetic toe
Laugh at someone better off than me
Think of something to write on Sunday
Smile
Have fun
Watch one of the many films I have on DVD that I have not yet watched
Eat an entire pig
Learn how to make toothpicks explode using only the power of my mind
Rip a phonebook in half.

six words 22

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 12:19:31 GMT

What more can I possibly say?

True Tales of the Apocolypse!

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 12:12:07 GMT

Beneath the cut is a story writen by Anika, Alison and myself, The 3 parts were writen at the same time and, of course, it is in the best of taste.

Part 1 by Anika

Sandra Splodge McDougal was woken up rudely by a loud thumping on her door. She'd just had the loveliest dream, involving large quantities of whipped cream and several extremely flexible naked girls, and decided to ignore the knocking and see if she could continue this dream.

But no such luck. The knocking continued until she thought her front door would break down, so she finally threw off the blanket, yelled: "Fucking hold on!" and went to answer the door.

There seemed to be no one outside. Then she looked down and saw her friend King Kong leering up at her.

"Helloooo, Sandra," he said smarmily. "Still lesbian?"

"Afraid so, Kong. How's your penis?"

"Still long, thanks for asking." He wiggled his crotch at her to demonstrate.

"And what brings you here on a Sunday?" Sandra asked, to steer the topic in a less disturbing direction.

"Come to the park with me!" Kong said. "I have ... news." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Can't you tell me here?" Sandra asked. "I don't feel like going out today."

"No," Kong said firmly. "It's imparative that we be at the park when I tell you."

Sandra rolled her eyes. "Oh very well. This had better be important."

* * *

"... and so you see," Kong said, "I'm going to become a woman."

Sandra didn't know what to say, so she simply made a noise that might have been supportive. Kong stopped, and grasped both of her hands.

"Don't you see?!" he said urgently. "All my life I've felt like there was something missing. That I was AAAAAAAAARGHOHGODMYLEG!!!"

Kong fell to the ground screaming incomprehensibly. Sandra peered over his shoulder and realised why: they'd somehow come too close to the Space Shark Pond, and one of the pesky little fish had popped out and bitten Kong's leg off.

Sandra immediately knew what to do. Finally, her Aramaic classes would pay off! "Help!" she called (in Aramaic). "Won't somebody help my friend who's had his leg bitten off by a space shark?!" she continued (still in Aramaic).

There was a puff of smoke, slightly green at the edges, and then a figure hopped out of the cloud. It was slightly scruffy-looking, with long hair, a scraggly beard and sandals that had gone out of fashion centuries ago. Also, it was wearing a cross.

"Yeah?" Jesus drawled (not in Aramaic). "You called, babe?"

Part 2 by Alison

"Jesus! Thank God you're here! Well, thank you you're here. Um, thanks for coming. My friend's leg has been bitten off by a space-shark!"

"Ah, my child – hey, is that King Kong? Are you sure it's his leg that got bitten off? Hahaha – oh, sorry. Always doing that. Peter used to get well annoyed at me when I made dirty jokes, threw rocks at me and everything. That's how he got his nickname. Well, that and he was hard as- sorry! Sorry! Where was I? Oh yes. That is King Kong, I recognise him by – yes. Leg bitten off you say? Tch. Well, lucky for you my child, I am a dab hand at healing people (not the only use for my dab hand, though – haha – sorry). Now."

Jesus knelt down (with some difficulty, since he was still on his cross) in front of King Kong , who was writhing in agony. "Bless you, my child," he soothed, and King Kong immediately grew miraculously calmer, possibly partly from the fumes of cannabis clinging to Jesus' tunic. "Now what are the words again? Talitha kaum. No, you're not a little girl. Um.... hocus pocus." He waved his hands over King Kong, who promptly turned into wine.

"Eli, Eli!" Jesus swore. "I'm always getting those mixed up. Ah well, waste not, want not. Fancy a glass?"

He turned to Sandra, who was watching in bemusement. She found no fault with the suggestion, particularly, though, so he poured her out a goblet, and they settled down in the sunshine to drink.

Jesus turned out to be something of a lightweight, and was soon singing filthy songs.

"God is love-

You bet he is!

Hot steaming love for everyone.

He came from above

To save you with love

He's all around, so don't try to run.

He'll fiiiiind you

He'll saaaaave you

Save you from your repressed desires

He'll looooooove you

He'll tooooouch you

Touch your heart, and light your fires.

He'll fill a hole in your soul

Give you what you lack

He'll taketh you

To heaven and back."

Sandra had no idea Jesus would be such good company. She wished she'd believed her teachers when she was little and they'd said Jesus was the best friend she'd ever have.

"I've got a bloorry good idea," he slurred. "Why don't you come – haha! - away in my spaceship? Theresh a good gig on shomewhere, if I can jusht remember. Oh yesh! Yesh! Well – haha – that'sh what he shaid when I'd finished with im, anyway, eh? Haha."

So Sandra followed her saviour onto the ship, and went off to the aforementioned concert.

As they stepped down, the sound of the Beach Boys hit her ears. Literally, somebody threw a record across the room. But it was also being sung. She looked up and was surprised to see Lucifer himself, decked out in a sumptuous sparkling red tux, his horns polished and shiny. She giggled. Jesus must be rubbing off on her. No, that was St. Augustine, behind her. "Pervert!" she told him. She'd always wanted to tell him so, and now she had an excuse.

She soon found herself lost in the music, and clapped along with the rest of them. She was becoming quite the groupie. Maybe, maybe she wouldn't limit herself to taking Jesus as her one idol just yet.

Part 3 by Me

The concert ended leaving all who witnessed it with a feeling of warm space joy. Sandra and Jesus (who would have tried to cop a feel if his hands weren't nailed in place) were impressed with Satan's singing. As the applause was dying down Satan took hold of the mic and sang a moving, heart-rending version of 'Sloop John B' before diving into the crowd. He was passed back until he was with with Jesus and Sandra.
"J.C, how's it hangin'?" Satan asked.
"You fucking capitalist, adversary bastard!" Jesus said.
"Meaning?"
"You fucking owned that song. Ultimate version man, ultimate version!"
Then the roof of the secret moon base exploded, showering the throng with space rubble and the Space Shark flew in.
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha" the Space Shark laughed "Ultimate version is right. Bwa-ha-ha-ha."
"What are you doing here you left leg eating bastard?" Sandra screamed
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha." The Space Shark laughed again "It is time for the final showdown between good, evil and shark as predicted in the book of revelations."
"What? Already?" Said Jesus, checking his watch "I thought we had another hour left."
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha" the Space Shark laughed "are you on GMT or BST?"
"GMT"
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha, the clocks changed last night."
"Bugger!" Jesus exclaimed "I always forget, well, let's get on with this battle then.
Jesus focused all of his Jesusy might and in a voice that shook the very pillars of heaven called out
"I choose you Pikacho!" but before anything could happen he was dragged away over a lengthy copyright court case. Satan turned to Sandra and said
"You know, for the son of god he's really not that bright. Looks like it's just me and you Space Shark. So tell me, What can a simple space shark do against my satanic powers?"
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha. You see Satan I am no ordinary space shark, I am a suicide space shark! Bwa-ha-ha-ha."
And with that the Suicide Space Shark exploded, killing Satan, ending the universe and proving once and for all that in a battle between good, evil and space shark, space shark will always win.

six words 21

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 16:08:05 GMT

Just remember:
Don't eat the gopher!

six words 20

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 15:58:18 GMT

Whilst burning I thought of barbecue sauce.

Lloyd, now in all new WORDS!!! presents Knowledge, now in all new WORDS!!!

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 16:02:05 GMT

Ask a question, any question and it shall be answered.
Ask several questions and they shall be answered.
(Personal questions are the most likely to be answered accurately)

six words 19

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 15:56:42 GMT

Lost battle, swapped sides, won war.

six words 18

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 08:45:09 GMT

Week off work, it's never enough.

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:36:39 GMT

She simmered slowly in the moonlight, enticing me to her with diamond scented jasmine and pine scented nuts. I wanted to look away but she was bare breasted and had a big neon sign pointing right where she wanted me to look.
I tried to tell her that I wanted to leave, that I needed to leave but the only words I could think of were mandarin, goldfish and peckinpar and I don't think the last one is even a word.
Then I was next to her. She was naked, she had a brazilian, illegal loggers and all. She took my face in her warm and surprisingly moist hands and electric blue sparks of lust flew up where our skin touched. Had I been thinking I would have told her that my wife was in my pocket and maybe I would have avoided a messy divorce (I still think she used an incontinent soliciter out of spite). She undid my shirt and I was so enraptured that I didn't even notice when the bananas I keep tied to my nipples for emergencies fell to the floor. Soon I was inside her, it was dark, humid and my feet were still hanging out. There wasn't much space to move around and lighting the cigarette was a definate mistake.

six words 17

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:19:18 GMT

Balls bitten off. I hate leprichauns.

six words 16

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 17:27:14 GMT

Ate a suicide icecream bombe, exploded.

six words 15

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 17:19:23 GMT

Fell in love, with no parachute.

six words 14

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 17:08:32 GMT

I was on fire.
It hurt.

six words 13

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 13:37:05 GMT

Trimmed nails, made the bookcase collapse.

six words 12

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 17:04:40 GMT

Same onld day, untill the explosion.